Sunday, December 28, 2014

mommy guilt

Motherhood demands of many things. It demands our time. It demands our energy. To be quite honest, lately I have really been struggling with guilt on many levels.
Guilt #1- I love nursing my babies, not just for the many health benefits, but its something I really love (i know, i know, im a little crazy maybe).  Two months ago I made the decision to quit nursing #3 for many reasons some of which included being able to leave the house for more than 2 hours, and I was ready to lose the lingering baby weight. Since switching to formula my sweet boy has been sick with one thing after the next, and although I know it is not my fault, I feel so guilty thinking that had a kept nursing he could have avoided all this crummy sickness. Like even tonight he was up coughing, cant breathe and all I could think was, I wish I would have kept nursing him so he wouldnt be this sick.
Guilt #2- My amazing mother taught me several years ago from a book called And Then I Had Kids by Susan Yates (i think) that I was a "DO-er" and so the toddler years were going to present several challenges for me.  There are "Do-ers" and "Be-ers" ..and my synopsis is horrible...but basically "do-ers" always have the list of 10000 things that need to be done (laundry, dishes, ect) and really struggle to sit down and play and just "be".  And so "be-ers" are just that ...they are good at sitting and enjoying the now and they will worry about the to-do list later. (Horrible explanation just go get the book and read it!) Point is- at all times I feel like/ and want to be doing the 1000000 things that need to be done around the house and I really struggle with feeling guilty that im not good at just sitting and "be-ing" and enjoying the chaos. I literally have to tell myself daily to stop "doing"and enjoy making messes and letting the kids just be kids. Laundry can wait.
Guilt #3- That I am heavier than I would like to be right now. Yes its the holidays, and yes I just had my 3rd child..but seriously I just would love to be back in a size 2 (ok so maybe I havent been a 2 since 8th grade) but I just want to lose the weight like yesterday.  
Guilt #4- I never give my husband the best of me. Most days by the time we get all three kids in bed I wanna pass out in an XL tshirt on the couch and read a book. Not that I do (well ok, some days...most days...lets be honest yoga pants and a tshirt are my wardrobe of choice.) 
Guilt #5 That Im not a good friend.

And to be really honest, I am melancholy (go read Spirit Controlled Temperaments by Tim LaHaye for more on that) and I could dwell in the negative frustrating parts of my life all day long...and to be honest, ive been having a mighty  big pity party in my head for the last 6 weeks or so and have decided enough is enough.

I was in my sister in laws wedding with a sweet girl who since wrote a book and I was given it as a gift for christmas! To say the author has a gift is an understatement. Kate Conner powerfully shares some truth especially geared towards teenage girls, but one part spoke hugely to my heart-

"YOU ARE ENOUGH... I suspect that all of us would be undone as we, battered and bruised, climbed out from under the weight of all the things we've been measuring ourselves for our entire lives. You are enough. This is the truth with which we wage war on insecurity...This truth-the scandalous love of God that calls us beautiful and valuable and enough- will rescue them, and us, all over again."

As a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend I confess that I have been battered and bruised by the weight of expectations I have had for myself. The truth that I am DEEPLY loved, wholly forgiven my the creator of the universe is enough. He calls be beautiful. He calls me valuable. He has rescued my heart, mind and spirit and he will continue to rescue me over and over again.  

If there is one truth that resonates in my life as I look back it is that The Lord is faithful. He was faithful then, He is faithful now and He will be faithful.  

I can stand tall and proud in the truth that I am his child and I am enough. 

So today I will be the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend that I can be. I will give the BEST of me to the ones I love. I will love that my body was able to carry my 3 sweet children, and I will chose to be joyful with the few extra pounds as I continue to pursue being the healthiest me. I will forgive myself for not being perfect and most importantly choose to TRUST that I am enough.

how it started.

Making a decision on what college to attend was extremely hard for me. What was even harder was the fact that they seriously wanted me to pick a major. Now to some, this is not a challenge, they always knew they wanted to be a teacher, or lawyer, or doctor, nurse, or maybe a coach. Or maybe a zoologist, archiologist? Point is, I had  NO STINKING CLUE what career I wanted to do for the rest of my life! All I knew was I really loved helping other people, and I wanted to be a wife and have lots of children.  So fast-forward from my college years, I got a degree in dental hygiene, married my high school sweetheart and best friend, worked part time in dental hygiene for several years and now I am home with my awesomely crazy kiddos and helping other people with their health and finances.  I would not consider myself a “health freak nut” or a “crazy workout gooroo” but what I LOVE and what makes me get fired up is helping other people make the most out of their lives.  Two and a half years ago, I was struggling with the exhausting reality and demands of mothering two little people. Only 19 months apart, adding the demands of a newborn to that of a toddler were definitely more than I expected. I was EXHAUSTED, overwhelmed and struggling to figure out in the world I could manage this new normal and become the mom I really wanted to be.  I wanted to be able to play hard and engage with my kids, have the patience to discipline and instruct my children well and instill values and character in their lives. This is WHY I wanted to be a stay at home mom in the first place, but now I was trying to figure out how to make it until nap time without falling asleep on the couch!  My sweet husband was very VERY patient and loving and encouraging during this transition to say the least!  So when my mother in law gave me several Spark samples to try and said it should give me the boost I need...I was pumped.  Spark was a game changer. After the long nights waking to nurse a baby I could wake up (drink a spark) and quickly get breakfast made, enjoy playing with my sweet daughter, lay them down for naps and for the first time in months NOT nap, but actually had the energy and focus to get the house picked up, laundry started (i forgot to mention my extremely spit up/reflux child that changed clothes 6x a day) make dinner and feel great when my husband walked in after a 10 hour day at work. Now that I had energy, I knew I could commit and get on track with getting healthy again after falling into the fast/convenient/ processed/ quick and easy trap and invest in become the best me again. I was able to get the baby weight off and more importantly create lifestyle habits that have become a normal part of our lives. To say the least, AdvoCare products have been a huge help in becoming the best wife and mom I can be.  While Im still not at my ideal weight from baby 3, I am able to have the energy to keep up with the demands of motherhood and focus on being the healthiest I can be.  All of that is to give you some back ground so I can encourage you with my current, here and now reality.